Bloody, Worm-Eaten Cake

article by Ben Lincoln

In the Autumn of 2009, I was listening to Psyclon Nine's (then-new) album We The Fallen. When the previous CD (Crown Thy Fornicator) had been released, I'd made a comment to my friend Wes that I'd gotten the distinct impression that Nero (the core of the band) was really angry about something, but I wasn't sure what it was. We The Fallen could easily be the last music composed by a planet full of technologically-advanced Vikings fighting a losing battle against the Borg from Star Trek^[1], but I decided that the real reason for Nero's fury was that it had probably been a long time since anyone had baked him a cake^[2].

Based on this somewhat flimsy premise, I tried to imagine what a cake designed for someone like Nero would look like. It would have to be terrifying, intimidating, and/or repulsive. On the other hand, a cake which isn't delicious is an abject failure.

Coincidentally, the next weekend was the birthday of my friend Raw Garbage. Raw Garbage loves horror films and death metal, so I thought he would be another perfect candidate for a cake of extreme trepidation and dread. Raw Garbage's wife Becky usually bakes him a cake, but didn't have time this year, so fate was definitely in my favour.

I used to bake fairly regularly until an unfortunate incident convinced everyone at work to stop eating the things I brought in^[3]. However, I had never actually baked a cake before. Therefore, I decided to start with someone else's recipe and modify it as needed. I selected David Lebovitz's Devil's Food Cake Recipe, although I made a few changes to the recipe which will be noted below.

Ingredients

Everything you need for the standard cake recipe of your choice. A dense type of cake is best.
A jar of dark red jam.
10-20 gummi worms (licorice ropes, Red Vines or similar may be substituted for a vegan recipe).

Other Requirements

Everything you need for the standard cake recipe (cake pans, etc.). Note: if the recipe calls for parchment paper, don't think you can get away without using it.
A Zip-Loc or other sturdy plastic bag (sandwich size is fine). If you have a frosting syringe or similar implement, that can be used instead.
A Japanese-style pointed chopstick (blunt-tipped Chinese-style designs won't work for this).

Instructions

First, bake the cake using the recipe you've selected. When I used David Lebovitz's recipe, I made the following modifications:

I spread some of the jam in-between the two layers of the cake.
I used a couple of Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Lovers' bars instead of bittersweet/semi-sweet chocolate in the frosting.
I added a cup of sugar to the frosting. The original recipe is for ganache frosting, which is quite bitter. This probably provides a nice contrast with the sweetness of the cake itself, but because I didn't have time to beta-test it, I erred on the side of caution and made the frosting sweet as well.
I used milk instead of water or cream for the frosting. This was because I wanted the additional richness but didn't have cream on-hand.

Note that Mr. Lebovitz's recipe specifically mentions lining the cake pans with parchment paper. I had never heard of this before, so I thought it was just something fancy bakers do that wouldn't really affect the recipe. It is actually very important; without the paper, the middle of the cake will stick to the pans and you'll end up with a lopsided cake like I did.

Unmodified Cake

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This is the cake immediately after frosting.

Date Shot: 2009-11-12
Camera Body: Nikon D70 (Modified)
Lens: Nikon Micro-Nikkor 55mm f/2.8
Filters: LDP CC1
Date Processed: 2009-11-13
Version: 1.0

I let the cake cool overnight in the refrigerator to improve its structural integrity for the modifications. This may or may not be necessary.

Next, prepare to insert the worms. If you have a proper implement for squeezing decorative frosting onto a cake, load that up with jam. Otherwise, use a pair of scissors to cut one of the bottom corners off of the Zip-Loc bag. The resulting hole should be very small - only about 2mm across - for maximum accuracy. Place a generous supply of jam into the bag.

Repeat the following process until the cake is sufficiently worm-infested. The holes are made by poking the sharp end of the chopstick about 3-6cm (1-2") into the cake and reaming a conical shape.

Worm Insertion Process

Make a hole

Fill it with jam

Insert a worm

Repeat as necessary

The steps of metamorphosis.

Date Shot: 2009-11-13
Camera Body: Nikon D70 (Modified)
Lens: Nikon Micro-Nikkor 55mm f/2.8
Filters: LDP CC1
Date Processed: 2009-11-13
Version: 1.0

After placing all of the worms, I splattered more of the jam over the cake.

The Finished Cake

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Behold its grim visage.

Date Shot: 2009-11-13
Camera Body: Nikon D70 (Modified)
Lens: Nikon Micro-Nikkor 55mm f/2.8
Filters: LDP CC1
Date Processed: 2009-11-13
Version: 1.0

Footnotes

1.	Or an alternate score to Too Human, especially if the sequel(s) are ever released and conclude the storyline in anything like the traditional Ragnarok ending.
2.	This is pure speculation on my part. I've met Nero briefly at concerts by his band, but I don't actually know him, so it's entirely possible that people bake him cakes all of the time.
3.	I made a lemon meringue pie, but was out of orange juice to colour the filling. I instead substituted Orange Crush. Who knew that a pie coloured like toxic waste would cause such a disturbance?